The Webmonkey Emergency Last-Minute Halloween Costume Kit

Still don't know what you're going to be for Halloween? Starting to feel the aching, itching tension? Well, it's too late to head down to the Halloween Superstore - all the good TeleTubby costumes are long gone. So now what? Bring out your old Denny's uniform and wear that? Again?

Never fear, Webmonkey comes to the rescue once again with a heaping spoonful of self-promotional lovin'. Follow our easy-to-follow instructions and create your own Evany, Mattmarg, or Taylor mask. Then skim through our tips on what to wear, how to act, and what to say. Soon enough you'll be the walking embodiment of your favorite Webmonkey - sure to scare little children and attract, like moth to flame, the gender of your choice.

Be Evany!

Download the printable Evany[tm] Mask

What to wear: Big shoes - the bigger the better. Think phat, phat platforms. The shoes, in addition to your hair, should add 300-400 centimeters to your total height. For clothing, focus on being incongruous and eclectic. Your outfit can match from the waist up, and it can match from the waist down, but never the twain shall meet.

What to say: Think about the way 13-year-old girls talk about the Backstreet Boys and Aerosmith, then modify it slightly: "BBEdit is soooo dreamy and cuterrific!" "I heart the Mac! The Mac for prez!" Your lingo should be peppered with metaphors and similes, especially those steeped in 80s pop culture. For example: "My bright red pants are Adam-Rich-cute!"

How to act: Don't let propriety get in the way of cracking a good joke. Say whatever occurs to you, regardless of context.

Be Mattmarg!

Download the printable Mattmarg[tm] Mask

What to wear: Think 1955 casual wear. You need to look like you just got home from the thrift store, a little disheveled, a little ironic. You must have on saddle shoes. Your V-neck sweater should be torn.

What to say: Apologize a lot for everything both in and out of your control. Mumble while you cock your head. Concoct elaborate and bizarre fantasies about meetings you could have with standards committees. Spout lengthy diatribes about how this year will be the one for the Warriors.

How to act: Think 70% Mattew Broderick, 20% Henry Rollins, 10% Woody Allen.

Be Taylor!

Download the printable Taylor[tm] Mask

What to wear: Dress entirely in bright, traffic-cone orange. Head to toe. No exceptions. An orange jumpsuit is preferable.

What to say: Talk loudly in an authoritative tone. Shoot for 150 decibels; use a megaphone if necessary. Bellow declarative statements: "I am Captain Cursor!" "This beer is good. Drink, drink everyone!" "This is the future of Web design."

How to act: Make large, exaggerated movements. Stomp around, like a giant killer robot, rather than walk. Wave arms wildly when running. Make your presence known to everyone at every moment of the day.

To make the mask:

1) Print out the 7.5x10 inch JPEG of your favorite Monkey.

2) Attach your printout to a piece of cardboard with white glue (or spray mount photo adhesive, if you have it).

3) Cut out the face with an Xacto knife or sharp scissors.

4) Cut out some eyeholes. Smirk with grim satisfaction.

5) Staple a piece of string to each side of the mask (about where the ears are) so you can tie it on your head.

6) If the cardboard is really flexible, you might want to glue a popsicle stick horizontally across the back so the face will stay flat when you tie on your mask.

7) Sit back and let the fun begin.

And last but not least, if you make one of these costumes, be sure to take a picture and email it to us.

Happy Halloween.